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Mailing Addresses
CUUPS-TwinCities
c/0 FUS
900 Mt. Curve Ave.
Minneapolis, MN 55403
The Pagan Institute
P.O. Box 6809
Minneapolis, MN 55406
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Finally, a greeting card for everyone!
Dear sir/madam,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.
Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious, faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
Regards,
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The 'Other Tarot'
Author Unknown*
Neo-pagan religions can be fun, but some Pagans unfortunately go through a period of religious fanaticism. And fanaticism often limits an important part of your spirit: your sense of humor. It takes time to recover from fanaticism. Now there is a Tarot deck for recovering Pagan religious fanatics.
The Neophyte
A priest and priestess stand facing one another, performing the Great Rite symbolically by plunging a dagger into a chalice. In the circle surrounding them, a neophyte covers her smiling mouth, trying to suppress a giggle.
Divinatory Meaning - Innocence. A new beginning. There was a time when all of this was good-natured fun and not something you took so seriously.
Reversed Meaning - Difficulty in expressing honest laughter. You're taking this all too seriously. Get a life.
The Magician
The magician stands outside his double-parked car in a jammed parking lot. He wears full ceremonial regalia and has an altar setup. In his hand is an open book entitled, "Incantations to Asphaltia to find parking spaces."
Divinatory Meaning - You need to understand your own resources better. Don't use a sledgehammer to knock on a door.
Reversed Meaning - You have lost sight that the map is not the territory.
The High Priestess
A Wiccan priestess stands, arms outstretched, wearing several pounds worth of pentacles, Celtic jewelry, astrological bracelets, and medallions. She looks ready to tip over.
Divinatory Meaning - You may find yourself with sudden yearnings to join a Roman Catholic convent or seminary. Even if you're most definitely not Catholic. Don't scoff. Stranger things have happened.
Reversed Meaning - You are ready to liberate yourself from the shackles of your old way of life and to put on the shackles of a new way of life.
The Nature Lover?
In the middle of the woods stands a pagan with her face caked in rouge and eye shadow and lipstick. She holds up a symbol of nature - a miniature plastic tree.
Divinatory Meaning - Examine that what you claim is your passion is something that you're really passionate about.
Reversed meaning - You are secretly a technocrat.
The Emporium
A pagan bookstore owner stands behind a counter in a bookstore jam-packed with books, pentacles, candles, Celtic jewelry, Tarot decks, etc. Behind him a sign reads, "Pagan Emporium Bookstore: Offering Ancient Wisdom Since 1995."
Divinatory Meaning - Don't just settle for "Question authority." Question those who claim to be authority.
Reversed Meaning - Question those authors who tell you to question authority, but then still want you to buy their books and follow their advice verbatim.
Grand High Muckety-Muck
A solemn Wiccan priest stands before an altar holding an athame. Hanging on the wall behind him is a certificate that reads, "Certified Wiccan initiate. Certificate granted by Walt's Wild Warehouse of Wicca."
Divinatory Meaning - Don't get distracted by initiations, titles, special abilities, etc. Focus instead on what capabilities you really need to live your life.
Reversed Meaning - You have an insatiable desire to get initiated. Consider joining either the Fraternal Order of the Hedgehogs or else the Order of the Co-Hedgehogs and get this whole initiation business out of your system.
The Lovers -
A young couple are having a handfasting performed in a grove of oak trees on a sunny summer afternoon.
Divinatory meaning - Don't get too cynical. You may be recovering from fanaticism, but keep in mind that good things can sometimes still happen in the religion.
Reversed Meaning - All you really need is love. And if you don't want to follow that advice, well, then, hey, the song by the same name is still cool.
The Broom
A teenage Goth witch runs down the sidewalk attempting to ride a battered broomstick. A cleaning lady with a dustpan in one hand chases after her, hoping to retrieve her stolen broom.
Divinatory Meaning - You need to develop a better relationship with what occultists begrudgingly refer to as "the Mundane World."
Reversed Meaning - Maybe you really are a boring person after all. Time to clean up your act.
The Hungry Vegetarian
There's a long buffet table at a wedding banquet. Whole roast pig, roast duck, baked chicken, glazed turkey, and carved ham fill the buffet table. One teeny tiny carrot resides on the plate of the hungry vegetarian. She eyes the roast pig, perhaps wondering if it might be made out of tofu rather than meat.
Divinatory meaning - Time to change your habits.
Reversed Meaning - Go eat a hot dog on a Friday.
The Hermit
The Hermit wears a dark gray robe and has a dark gray beard. He holds a gnarled staff in one hand and a blazing lantern in the other hand. He is doing this however in a crowded movie theater, and the theater patrons scowl at him.
Divinatory Meaning - Don't just trust yourself. Learn what part of yourself to trust.
Reversed Meaning - It is better to have something you believe in rather than to just knock down what you don't believe in.
The Wheel Of Fortune
A pagan dressed in purple and yellow robes holds a stick of incense in one hand and a compass in the other hand. He glares at the compass. The needlepoint is spinning wildly, so that he can't tell which direction is east for quarter-calling.
Divinatory Meaning - Don't just find a new direction - create a new direction.
Reversed Meaning - When you think your life is moving somewhere, maybe you're just going in circles.
The Skeptic
A blindfolded man stands facing a full-length mirror.
Divinatory Meaning - You may say that there is nothing of value in divinatory tools. But divinatory tools are nothing more than a means of looking at yourself. So perhaps you are saying that there is nothing of value in yourself. A man who swallows a placebo cannot deny his own mouth.
Reversed Meaning - You will see through the illusions created by others. Be on guard against becoming snotty. Be careful that you do not forget that even illusions have their value. A man who imagines roses in the clouds can be inspired to become a gardener...
Temperance
In a candle lit room, a Hermeticist holds a rosy cross in his left hand and a pentacle in the right hand. To his left side is a host of symbols of crosses and grails. To his right side is a host of daggers and pentacles. Behind him, a window with the shades drawn is open a crack to reveal a hint of sunlight and the wide-open outdoors.
Divinatory Meaning - You need to open yourself up to more than what you currently allow yourself to experience.
Reversed Meaning - You are a freak. Perhaps you should spend more time secluded from others so that others do not discover this.
The Adversary
The scene is two booths set up at a psychic fair - each booth manned by a practitioner. The first booth has a big sign over it, "Pagan Shamanistic Journeying Counseling." The practitioner of this booth glares at the practitioner of the second booth. The sign over the second booth reads, "New Age Shamanistic Journeying Counseling."
Divinatory Meaning - There are things that you dislike that are more similar to you than you care to admit.
Reversed Meaning - Stock market analysts and weather forecasters often give pretty lousy predictions. Don't expect a fortune-teller to give perfect predictions, but don't look too harshly upon them either. They are trying to get you to understand yourself - and while they may be dead wrong on some of what they say, the need to understand yourself is real.
The Tower of Books
An armchair magician has a den jammed full of occult books. In one armchair is a huge stack of books almost up to the ceiling. He stands on a stool trying to add yet another book to the top of the stack, ignorant of the fact that the tower is about ready to topple over on him.
Divinatory Meaning - You need to learn to put your ideas into action.
Reversed Meaning - Clean your room.
The Celebrity
In an occult bookstore, a pagan celebrity sits at a book signing table, signing copies of her book, "Witchcrap for Morons." A few feet away from the table, a group of neo-pagans are scowling and turning their nose up at the author.
Divinatory Meaning - It is far easier for you to condemn what others create than it is for you to create something that you find to be of value. But you really need to learn to trust your own creative projects more.
Reversed Meaning - Quit spending so much time in occult bookstores.
The Moon
A Pagan painter stands by a moonlit window as he paints a picture of the crescent moon. The depiction of the moon is very well crafted, but then the painter is going back in and adding some crudely designed pentacles on the moon, lest you forget that this is supposed to be Pagan art. Behind him, his two dogs bark fiercely.
Divinatory Meaning - If you can let go of your pretentiousness, your talents can blossom.
Reversed Meaning - Don't forget to feed your dogs.
The Golden Apple
Three Pagan women stand wrestling over who gets the Golden Apple. Behind them, unnoticed, stands a giggling Eris, who holds an entire basket of Golden Apples.
Divinatory Meaning - Keep your perspective on what's really important.
Reversed Meaning - In order to allow a god or goddess room into your heart, you must not be too full of yourself.
Judgment by Conspiracy Theorists
A fundamentalist minister rallies against a Pagan group. The minister conjures up images of animal sacrifice and human sacrifice. Meanwhile, the Pagan group in question is sitting around in a committee meeting eating vegan chili and tofu.
Divinatory Meaning - You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think.
Reversed Meaning - You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think. On the other hand, this doesn't give you license to be an a***hole.
The World in a Pack of Cards
A grungy prisoner in solitary confinement sits in a barren cell. No bed, no food, no sunlight, just a pack of Tarot cards in front of him. A 19th century occultist once said that a prisoner alone in a prison cell with nothing but a pack of Tarot cards would acquire all world knowledge. But, well, this prisoner could probably better use some food and some sunlight and a shower.
Divinatory Meaning - Get a hobby.
Reversed Meaning - No, really, get a hobby.
*We'd really like to credit the author/s; if anyone can help us find the writer/s, please write to the editor.
Are Your Cats Old Enough to Learn About Jesus?
By Marian Byers
People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer:
"What are you waiting for?" A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the
glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.
My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.
That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.
Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.
A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet."
They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and
sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.
Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair.
Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know-without being scolded-that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.
Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.
So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.
Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap.
And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia.
By the Numbers
By Don Coyote
One libertarian is a website.
Two libertarians are a transaction
-- not reported to the IRS.
Three libertarians are a think tank.
Four libertarians are a free market.
One green is a tree sitter.
Two greens are a gay couple trying to get married.
Three greens are a food co-op.
Four greens are a salad.
One Palestinian is a mullah.
Two Palestinians are under surveillance.
Three Palestinians will never get on an airplane.
Four Palestinians are a refugee camp.
One Israeli is going thru security.
Two Israelis are putting the two Palestinians under surveillance.
Three Israelis are a settlement.
Four Israelis are a faction in the Knesset.
One communist is an FBI agent.
Two communists is a front.
Three communists is splinter group.
Four communists are something from history.
One Nazi is far too many.
Two Nazis are a actually a gay couple in drag.
Three Nazis are actors in a WW2 film.
Four Nazis are what you see in a night on A&E.
One and a half conservatives is Rush Limbaugh.
Two conservatives are NOT a gay couple.
Three conservatives is a Moral Majority.
Four conservatives are a vast right wing conspiracy.
One liberal is a guilt trip.
Two liberals are a shrink and his client.
Three liberals are a concerned group.
Four liberals are a Unitarian Universalist church.
One Republican is a lobbyist.
Two Republicans are campaign consultants.
Three Republicans are a direct mail list.
Four Republicans are a $1000 a plate dinner.
One Democrat is unemployed.
Two Democrats are a union.
Three Democrats are are still a minority.
Four Democrats are feeling Blue.
One anarchist is autonomous.
Two anarchists are a literature table.
Three anarchists are squatting a building.
Four anarchists will never agree on anything.
One Pagan is a solitary
Two Pagans are a Great Rite.
Three Pagans are a witch war.
Four Pagans are a gathering.
Used with permission.
"Memories of the 90s"
Lyrics by K. Christian McGuire, copyright 2005
(Grianeala Publishing 2005)
Sung to the tune of
All in the Family - Those were the Days
Loved the tunes Nirvana played
and the way Paul Wellstone raved.
Justice for all made the grade.
Those were the days.
And the 'Year of the Woman'
'92, brought 'Hope' to win.
We could surely use a man like
William Clinton again.
Falwell preaching fear and hate.
Starr was hired to obfuscate
Thoughts of "Iran/Contra-gate."
Those were the days.
---
K. Christian McGuire - St. Paul, MN,
used with permission.
Footprints....and...
One night amidst a wondrous dream,
Far below a tropical shore could be seen,
As I gazed down upon this peaceful land,
I saw the Goddess' footprints in the sand.
Her tracks went deep in the glittering shore,
Evidence of the heavy load she bore,
I looked around and was about to ask,
"What is the source of so great a task?"
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked Her, "What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too large to be from feet."
"My child", She said in somber tone,
"for miles I have carried you alone."
"This walk was to help you learn and grow,
You must walk to learn what I already know".
So out of Love I finally gave up,
And there I dropped you on your butt".
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand".
-----Adapted by
Ronald S. Eppich
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How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
From the Gaia Community UU Church, an Earth-based, Unitarian
Universalist Pagan-themed Congregation, in the Kansas City area
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb?
A: Is the light bulb monogamous or poly?
Q: How many pagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Depends... how big is the lightbulb?
Q: How many Dianic women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and it's still not funny!
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you want it changed into?
Q: How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs
never burned out before Christians came along.
Q: How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 9 1 to write the ritutal and 8 to carry it out.
Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's a third degree secret.How many Gardnerians does it take to change
a lightbulb?
- It's a third-degree secret.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Let's go down the street and see how the Gardnerians do it.
-or-
- 13. The high priestess, the high priest, and the next 11 people in off
the street.
Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even
HAVE light bulbs..."
Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for
us!
Q: How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 901. One to change the bulb and 900 to align the new stone.
Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them
as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our
complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real
knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to
the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
Q: How many T.V. evangelists does it take to change a Light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your
tax-deductible donation today.
Q: How many druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 9. One to hold the bulb, and 8 to drink until the room spins.
Q: How many chaotes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Dude. We *like* working in the dark.
Q: How many Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to hold the bulb, one to get the ladder, and three to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored East German machine parts.
Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a Light bulb?
A: (in a sing-song voice)We don't use light bulbs, we just charge our
crystals and watch them glow...
Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.
Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What, me move?
Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to put it in the other to talk about it.
Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and
two engineers to check the work.
Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They LIKE the dark.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light's fine as it is.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
AND 12,678 to take one glance at the subject line and delete the post
immediately without reading it! |
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COVEN PECKING ORDER
Author Unknown (possibly for safety's sake!) |
|
HIGH PRIEST:
3RD DEGREE INITIATE:
2ND DEGREE INITIATE:
1ST DEGREE INITIATE:
NEOPHYTE:
HIGH PRIESTESS:
|
Leaps tall buildings at a single bound, more powerful than a
locomotive and faster than a speeding bullet. He walks on water and dictates
policy to God.
Leaps short buildings in a single
bound, more powerful than a switch engine, just as
fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water-if the sea is calm-and talks
to God.
Leaps short buildings with a running
start and favorable winds, faster than a BB,
more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming
pool, and
talks to God-if a special request is approved.
Clears a small hut, loses the race with
a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three
times, frequently
wets self with a water pistol, can do the dog paddle, and mostly
mumbles to animals.
Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the
track, catches
speeding bullets in her teeth, and freezes water with a single glance.
SHE IS GOD. |
Gilligan's Rite
(sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
By Gypsy
Just sit right down and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful rite
That started in a temple room
On a dark, suburban night.
The priest was man with a way with words,
The priestess loved the runes.
Five coveners joined them that night
To celebrate the moon.
The priest he called Cernunnos and
The priestess, she called Bast.
The coveners got nervous when
The pair arrived at last.
"A hunter I am, brave and sure,"
Cernunnos said with pride.
"Oh, hiss!" spat Bast, "If you saw me
In the grasslands, you would hide!"
"Oh, Egypt's joy you are, I note"
Cernunnos said with glee.
"A cat who cares for nothing but
Her napping spot and tea."
Bast she did prepare to pounce,
Cernunnos drew his bow.
The coveners withdrew to the west
To hide from the coming blows.
The priest he spoke up hastily,
Said "Let's bring this to an end!"
The priestess said with equal speed,
"Merry part and meet again!"
The circle did dissolve in mist
And the coveners drew breaths.
They'd been sure this was the last -
That this rite would be their deaths.
"That's what we get for mixing up
The pantheons this way."
The priest he shrugged and then he said,
"We'll all recall today."
The priestess rolled her eyes and said,
"Don't be a pompous ass!
It's just what happens when a hunter meets
A predator in the grass."
The coveners went home that night
To ponder the mystery
Of what had caused the spectacle
Of battling deity.
Was it wrong to call a British god
With an ancient Egyptian cat?
Or was it just the gods' own way
Of having some fun with that?
In the years that passed no answers come
Though they try all that they may,
They just remember the final words
Of both the gods that day.
"Just sit back and enjoy the show,
And smile whene'er you might.
We are the gods of earth and sky.......
Here in Gilligan's Rite!"
First published in
cats-cradle.com/hearthstone/news0897.html
and used here with the author's kind permission. |
Charge of the 404 Error Goddess
Listen to the words of the Missing Page.
I who of old was also called among men 404, Error,
Broken Link, screw up, bad page, missing file,
"Damn it, where the hell did it go?" and by many other names.
At mine altars
the youth of various college computer departments
across the world
made due sacrifice.
Whenever ye shall work on a particular web site,
once in the month, and
better it be when the Moon is Full
and while drinking beverages rich in caffeine,
then shall ye gather around the computer
and run a link checker to ensure that I will never trouble thee.
I, who am the ruler of all neglected web sites
and poorly coded home pages.
There shall ye gather,
ye who are fain to master the test of navigation,
yet have not yet won its deepest secrets:
fron these I will hide as they find that which is broken
and code thy site until it is whole again.
And your site shall be free from errors;
and as a sign that they be really free,
ye shall never, ever use animated background;
and ye shall code, ftp, edit, create and write,
all to stave off my curse.
For mine is the sign of uncaring hands,
and mine also is joy of trial and error, for my law is the error.
Keep pure your code,
strive ever towards cross-platform compatibility,
and let naught stop you or turn you aside.
For mine is the password protected door
which opens upon the secret mysteries via the .htaccess file
as well as the errors of missing pages and overloaded servers,
and the no DNS entry error,
which is the sign of web site Armageddon. |
PRESS
RELEASE from
Unitarian Jihad
The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me [John Carroll] at The Chronicle via
an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news
organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have
not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel
strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or
disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words
below are at least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States.
We are
Unitarian Jihad.
There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States!
Too long
has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist
thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except
Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee)
made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people
who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation!
You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode
the SUV of dogmatic expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything?
Why is the news
dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be
tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told
them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that
Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that
Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger
of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews,
Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the
whole for further discussion.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere.
We have not been born
again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares
what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb
of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code
but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of
Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good
person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware!
Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief
and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of
terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap
so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions
of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring
fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have
carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad.
We will appear in public places and require
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but
her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.)
We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to
dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs
as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be
required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough."
We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already.
Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because
your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog,
or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the
park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world
is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a
Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone
suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the
Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and
Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad!
We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as
if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will
be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me [John Carroll] at The Chronicle via
an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news
organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have
not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel
strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or
disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words
below are at least not disgusting: jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
Originally published at
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL
Used with permission.
The San Francisco Chronicle is a great read when the culture
wars get you down!
Congratulations to John Carroll, winner of the Pagan Institute WiseGuy Media Award!
|
| Self-knowledge Dept.
Some time ago,
non-profit organizations discovered that some people would work harder for
a LOT less if they got a nifty title. Titles being cheap, executive
directors got lots of opportunities to be creative and made up
impressive-sounding ones to describe the multi-tasking careers in their
agencies.
Why should Pagans miss out on the fun? So here they
are: titles to satisfy both the grandiose and the humorous Pagans!
Isn't this a swell club?
Special Agent of the Charmed Forces
Natural Forces Communication Facilitator
Bilateral Negotiator
Transrealm Investor
Energy manipulator
Eternal Seeker of Knowledge
Spiritual Defense Specialist
Nonconventional Home Security Adviser
W.I.T.C.H.: Wise Inquiring Technical Creative Hag
Designated Enforcer Arm of the Ethereal Energy Directorate
Natural Law Enforcer Licensed to Enchant
Earth and Galaxy Equilibrium Engineer
Curious Spirit
Wandering Spirit
Watchful Initiate to Creative Humanism
Follower of the Universe
Broomstick Engineer
|
The
XIII Pagan Commandments
I. Thou shall not commit to
signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
II. Thou shall not invoke thy
Watchtowers only to say "never mind", nor shalt thou laugh at nekked snow
sprites, especially if thou dwellest in Minnesota.
III. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.
IV. Thou shall not get drunk with thy
Goddess's wine.
V. Thou shall not sacrifice thy
little sister.
VI. Thou shalt not turn thine ex into a
frog; redundancy is such a waste. Likewise, thou shalt not turn thine
ex into a pig, rat, or any other creature.
VII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against
thine fellow Pagans, for thou shalt be caught and suffer the
Three-fold penalty.
VIII. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky
Fartsalot," for names have power.
IX. Thou shall not go running around
proclaiming thy witchhood during burning times.
X. Thou shalt not terrorize the
muggles, for what dost thou think generates burning times?
XI. Before thou proclaim possession of
omnipotence at thy command and eternity at thy disposal,
make thyself useful. Failing that, get a job, lest all laugh at thee.
XII. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy
house down.
XIII. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for
thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
|
Dangers
of Numeracy
At
New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like
'x' and 'y' and
"If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate
us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must
differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal
everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become
exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."
Attorney
General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens
around their necks.'"
|
Want
More???
A Heathen's Guide to the Rapture:
How to navigate your way through born-again America, with tips on how to avoid being Left Behind.
Hilarious! http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/73108
Reason Gone Mad by Bill Shein --
Humor + Commentary
POLITICAL HUMOR:
Check These Out Too! - You've Gotta' Laugh to Keep From Crying
This top DC nightclub performance ensemble gives
hilarious
topical comedy set to music for download or streaming audio.
http://www.capsteps.com/ |
|
